Angel
by Xx-Synthetic-Cyanide-xX
Summary: I just wasn't meant for this world...so now let me fly free


**Author's Note: Some vent fanfiction...probably shit, but needed to come out. Sorry.**

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Angel

Mom, I'm writing this to explain more or less everything you have ever wanted to know about me, and why your son was so 'different to everyone else. I'm sorry if this offers no form of comfort, but believe me...it was the only way.

You see, if someone gave me the opportunity to erase all human emotion and feelings, then I'd jump at the chance. It sucks big time when you're sitting all alone in your room, worried and paranoid about every little thing. Scared of messing everything up, that somehow the people around you will hate you forever, that you will ultimately end up alone no matter what.

_Isn't it what I deserve?_

The brain is a very cruel and unforgiving thing sometimes; twisting the very fabric of the reality that surrounds you, altering your perception of things as you know it, and creating demons from your own soul. Life would be so much easier if all human emotion could be simply 'erased'. Then perhaps I wouldn't be sat here, hating myself for reasons I couldn't quite understand.

Ever since I had foolishly confessed my undying love to my best friend; Rosa, a few years ago, my mental state of mind had been of a fragile nature. Constantly walking on egg shells, terrified of every little thing, scared that for some reason or another I would be hated.

_It was bound to happen again...I mean...why would anyone love someone like me?_

It was a very tempting idea to just lock my bedroom door, and shut out the entire world forever. Never let anyone inside my walls, constantly have that barrier of defence protecting my mind, and my heart. Why wasn't this simpler? Why couldn't I just...forget?

You see, I had this _'skill'_ as I like to put it of always liking people who are either; out of my league, treat me like shit, or don't like me whatsoever. Every single time without fail, the same thing would occur. You would assume by now I would have learned from my mistakes. Sadly, it seemed that was not the case.

Ever since Rosa called me '_annoying' _that fatal day, my paranoia about that given subject has plagued my mind constantly. The fear of being _'annoying'_, a _'pest'_, someone who no-one wants to associate with anymore...it was always there in the back of my mind. So, of course, the twin demons of my mind consistently abused me to no end.

What is the cure to these evil thoughts? I wish I knew the answer. It would help me greatly, and then perhaps I could finally understand just what happiness actually was.

_But I didn't deserve to be happy..._

It was only a matter of time before eventually I started to become interested in someone else, another friend, someone who became a pretty important part of my life. However, as usual, my mental state continued to diminish, until I was once again questioning my sanity.

Was this normal? To always feel this overwhelming anxiety about what another person thought about you? To literally feel your own heart squeezing the life out of your body with every cursed thought that laid it's tracks in your mind? Perhaps I was just being ridiculous, the curse of a young teenage brain, but surely it couldn't just be that.

Maybe I wasn't meant for this world. That thought crossed my mind a few times actually. That perhaps these complicated emotions such as love and devotion were just too complex to comprehend. Like an angel, a deity, incapable of delving into these feelings. It made more sense that way.

I'm just...not cut out to live in this world anymore, and I know that now you're reading this I am probably killing you more with these simple words than an actual stab wound could inflict. I am sorry, but...sorry doesn't seem to be enough. It never is.

However, just try to let your mind rest with these thoughts; now I am happy. I no longer have to worry about the world, or the creatures that contain it. I can be free of this horrible unending torture, and finally be at peace. I'm just...sorry it had to be this way.

I will always love you Mom, even if we have had our differences in the past. No matter what, you have always been the only consistent thing in my life, constantly moving forward with every passing day. Its just a shame that now you are forced to make those steps without me, on your own two feet with no assistance.

Just remember this, you are never truly alone in this world. I am always by your side no matter what happens in your life. Thank you for everything you have ever done for me. I won't forget a single memory.

With all my eternal love;

Nate xx


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